An Indepth Look Into A Geek's Soul

So this is going to be a rather sappy and sad and depressing blog today guys, so feel free to skip over this one.  Yes, it's about Amanda, or at least mostly about Amanda.  Yeah, I still miss her, I still want her, and I still just want her to talk to me.

I was going through my inbox today, mostly because I was bored, and also because it needed to be done.  I had something along the lines of 500+ emails in the main portion of it.  Now, I have something more like, zero.  Yeah, I brought them down a hell of a lot.  Got rid of a lot of dumb crap I didn't need to hang on to, those kinds of things.  Anyways, some of the emails that I had to sort were from Amanda.  A few from after the break up, but mostly from before them.  Back when we were happy.  Well, when I was happy and she was pretending to be happy.  I read them all too.  Why?  I don't know, maybe I just wanted to punish myself for letting the best damn thing in my life go.  I don't think she realizes just how much she means to me.  It hurts when I see her on AIM when I log on, and then she sees me and logs off.  I don't know if that's what really happens, but that's how it feels when I can't even be able to talk to her.  It's slowly destroying me.

I just hope that she still wants to talk to me.  She says that I am closer to her than Collin is.  Yeah, I don't see that.  I think it's more like she can't stand me.  Now, this is a paranoid rambling right now, so this has about no basis in reality whatsoever, but it's how I feel sometimes.  We were supposed to go and play some DnD on Wednesday, over at Collin's house.  Now, Collin said that Jimmy will be there, but then she said she won't be there.  Well, probably won't be there.  I bet it's all because of me.  She can't stand to be anywhere near me.  i don't know what's so undesirable about me.  I'm an alright guy.  She'd just rather be with somebody, anybody else.  Who can really blame her though?  There's nothing about me that you couldn't get on a hotter, nicer, funnier, more polished man.  There's nothing she wants in me.  No wonder she hates me.

Peace Out.